Keeping Sex Complicated
I am a twenty nine year old virgin. I live in LA, which hi-lights that fact about ten fold. I live in a city where sex-appeal is everything, sexual addiction prevails and where your sexual history is directly correlated with your identity. I live in a city that is the porn capital of the world and that teaches the rest of culture through the influence of Hollywood and the media that sex is easy, uncomplicated and nothing more than a human appetite. Since I’ve moved to LA, the most common reaction I get from friends and coworkers if they find out I’m a virgin is a blank stare followed by an inquisitive, “Why?” I realize most people assume there must be something wrong with anyone who is still a virgin past the age of twenty. It’s the type of thing they’ll interview you on Oprah for (The Thirty Year Old Virgin) or make a comedy about (The Forty Year Old Virgin). It’s the type of thing people hide in shame over and vehemently deny in the face of peer pressure. But that’s ridiculously sad to me. It’s sad because in the process of living out lives of promiscuity we’ve dumbed down sex and praised sexual expression over real love and commitment. In the same breath we shame those who value the importance of waiting and view sex as a life covenant between one man and one woman.
Sex is Valuable
This is how I see it. Sex is valuable. I’m a virgin, not because I’m scared of sex or insecure in my sexuality. I’m a virgin, not because I’m sheltered or mentally askew. I’m a virgin because I know who I am as a woman made in the image of God. I’m a virgin because I refuse to become “one flesh” (Mark 10:8) with a man who has not made a life commitment to me. I’m a virgin because I am a passionate proponent of keeping the sanctity, beauty and value in sex.
What do we do with things we value? We treasure and protect them. The value of something isn’t simply determined by a price tag. It’s determined by how much we’re willing to sacrifice for it. The more we’re willing to sacrifice and the harder we’re willing to fight, the more valuable it becomes to us. I want to acknowledge here that this in no way is meant to suggest a lack of value in the individual. Me being a virgin in no way makes me more valuable than the person who has had many partners. Instead, it is meant to suggest the value in sex itself as one of the most powerful acts known to mankind. I recognize that at any moment I could go out to a bar, get drunk, go home with a guy and lose my virginity in an instant. I recognize that at any moment I could sell my body or images of my body for a profit. I recognize that even in a committed dating relationship I could give my body away to my boyfriend. But to me that’s not using sex and my sexuality/sex appeal in a way that is honoring to me, God, the men I date and men in general.
Sex is Complicated
Our culture tries to un-complicate sex by advocating to, “do it often and with multiple partners.” We try to un-complicate sex by dumbing it down to a mere appetite. Even if it were a mere appetite then a good majority of our culture could be classified as sexually obese. Let’s face it. Sex is complicated. It is the driving force of many people’s lives. And they will loose all human reason to indulge in it for a fleeting second. Sex is powerful. It has the power to bind together or tear apart. It has the power to heal or destroy. It has the power to build up or tear down. It has the power to give or to take. It has the power to mar or to make beautiful.
Scripture speaks of sex as the joining of two people into one flesh. Our culture is accustomed to joining together, then tearing apart, joining together then tearing apart and we wonder why so many people are left feeling broken, abandoned and lonely. In our pursuit of un-complicating sex we’ve achieved the exact opposite. We’re left with millions of broken marriages. Millions of heartaches. Millions addicted to pornography. Millions in sex-slavery globally. Millions lonely, abandoned and abused.
The Original Design
Our original design was not to have multiple partners, experiment in whatever way we like and indulge our sexual desires. Our original design was to be united in a covenant relationships with another human being for life (Hebrews 13:4). Sex was designed to be the consummation of that covenant. Sex was designed to be an act of self-giving instead of self-taking. Sex was designed to bind. Sex was designed to heal. Sex was designed to lift up, not tear down. Sex was designed to be a symbol of true life giving love. Sex was designed to be one of the most beautiful things known to man kind, but we have taken it and thrown it in the dirt. We have taken it and used it for our own gain. We have taken it and turned it into abuse and slavery. We have taken it and stripped it of its value and its worth.
Restoring Sex
I don’t mean for this article to be painful for those of you who are broken and hurting from a sexual past whether it be sexual abuse or consenting sexual relationships. My hope is that this article instead of being a reminder of past pain, would bring hope and healing. And that you would realize your value and the value of your sexuality. That you would know that all things can be made new and that that is Christ’s desire for you and your sexuality. I also want to acknowledge that if you don’t share my Christian faith this will all sound ludicrous and perhaps even offensive to you. I recognize this is completely countercultural. This isn’t meant to point the finger at you, question your love for the significant other you’re sleeping with and tell you you’re not valuable. That’s the last thing I want to do! We have a conflict of a different foundational belief system. I’m speaking to those who share my faith and also to those who don’t who have taken sex to an extreme of abusing it and using others. And I’m asking if we can recognize the beauty and sanctity in sex once again. If we can start, one person at a time and declare freedom in each of our lives from the ways that we have distorted its beauty and sanctity. I’m asking if we can see it for what it is and treat it as such. I’m asking if we can make sex complicated again, one person at a time.
For more check out, Keeping Sex Complicated Part 2: On Sexual Compatability
Beautiful words Mandy. Thanks for having the spirit to write & share them.
Thanks Lisa!
That is just pure beauty!!! God bless you!
Thanks Mary!
Good word, Mandy.
My co-workers were talking about their sexual relationships one day and when it came to me, I told them I was a virgin. They brought up the fact, in shock, that I had gotten engaged the week before so how could I possibly be a virgin. I told them about my plans to wait until I was married because giving myself away was something sacred I wanted to only share with my husband one day. They said, “but what if it (sex) is no good?” I simply said, “Then we’ll have to practice.” They all smiled and one of them said, “Good for you.” I guess they liked that answer and I hope I was a witness. My husband is the only person I’ve ever had sex with and I’m proud of that.
That is seriously so awesome! I hope so badly to be able to say to my husband that I waited for him. I am only a teenager so sometimes I can get discouraged because of how the world portrays sex today. Sometimes it feels like there is no guy that I could possibly marry that is still a virgin.
@Janie, thanks so much for sharing! It is definitely hard, but very possible and so so worth it! Trust me, there are men out there who value sex and will value you enough to wait. A man who doesn’t have your best in mind isn’t worth your time. Quality men exist. Don’t settle for any less.
Janie, I’m glad you’re seeking purity and I hope you’ll be able to tell your husband that someday, too! I know that it can feel like there aren’t any guys who are willing to wait, especially during high school and college, but I promise you that there are. I’m one of them and I’m 28. I have a lot of close Christian friends, both male and female, who waited until they were married or, like me, are still waiting. One piece of advice I would give you is to try to be involved with a group (or multiple groups) of close Christian friends who are all committed to following Christ (not just in matters of purity, but in all matters.) Having close Christian friends has been an enormous help to me in my relationship with God. Also, it’s encouraging to have friends of the opposite sex that you know also value purity and serving God as much as you do, even if they’re not the one for you.
Awesome @Candace. I love this! Thanks so much for sharing!
I’m 27,male, and a virgin. My friends and roommates responded the same way when they found out. But I have the same ideals about this subject. Glad to know that someone out has that same respect for the sanctity of giving yourself to the right person, the context God intended.
Awesome. SO glad to hear it Jason. I wish you the best!
Awesome insight. This is so life-giving, even to those who may have a painful past regarding sex. Thank you for your powerful words. We need to return purity to sex. It does have incredible power and should be used to create one flesh in a marriage relationship. Thank you for speaking the truth. Respecting and loving ourselves is so important.
Thanks Nicholette! I’m glad its an encouragement. And I like how you worded that, “return purity to sex”. Thanks for sharing 🙂
So.much.truth.
Thank-you for having the nerve to stand up and be a voice for so many things that have been lost to the majority. Very thoughtful, well written and respectful, thank-you also for including the last part…So many of us need the hope for Restoration. Well done.
Thanks so much Lindsey! Your words are an encouragement. And I’m glad it was a blessing to you.
What a fantastic piece of writing! So many need to read this, so many need to know and understand this. ‘Kids’ need to hear this and learn that just because the body is ready that does not mean that the mind is as well. Kudos to you for having the courage and intelligence to write this piece. May we also learn that we can start over today as well, to respect ourselves and as Lindsey mentions above, ‘hope for restoration.’
Thanks for your encouragement Randy! I’m glad it was a blessing. And thanks also for sharing your thoughts. Agreed. 🙂
i love it. As I read your blog, I realized that people like you and me actually love sex more than the rest of our culture. Our country’s culture loves sex like people love food. We love sex more than food or a wedding ring.. we love it enough to wait so we can enjoy it in full. In it’s fulfilled context of a life-long commitment of true love. It is the full and beautiful intended expression.
Really great thoughts Randi. Thanks for sharing!
Well said Mandy! Difficult topic to discuss and address, but you did so very eloquently! I hope 3000 more people read this, and we start bringing healing and respect to each other and our relationships. That we focus on showing these things hold value – and that we hold value, and stop perpetuating the brokenness. Wishing you all the best and I look forward to reading more! 🙂
Thanks Mandy! I really appreciate your encouragement and thanks for sharing your thoughts as well!
Another stellar article Mandy. I love how you continually get to the heart of the issues, while recognizing all the “pro” and “con” arguments that most people cite. I completely agree with you, particularly the part about stripping sex of its value strips our very lives of their value…very profound stuff indeed
Thanks so much Anna! I’m glad God is using it 🙂
As a 43 year old male virgin, I agree wholeheartedly. The older I get, the more difficult I find it to meet someone who has also waited. So your words are encouraging. Keep it up (the words and the waiting!) I am proof it is possible. 🙂
Wow. Awesome. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Mandy,
Do you have an email address?
mandydobbelmann@gmail.com 🙂
OH MY GOODNESS! Probably the best article I’ve read all year. I can totally relate, I’ve always though about this but never had words to describe how I felt, I knew almost everything you were about to say before I even read it. Hopefully I can use your words to open other peoples mind about the value of sex. You nailed every point. I’m in awe.
Thanks so much Adaobi! So glad you could relate and that it was a blessing 🙂
I waited until marriage to have sex. I can honestly say it was one of the worst decisions I have ever made. While I agree with some of your points about how how our culture grossly over and misuses sex, I feel like it can be part of a long-term, committed relationship that has marriage as a possibility in the future. Just like any other important part of a relationship that you take into consideration when marrying someone, sexual compatibility is VERY meaningful. You cannot possibly know if you have that connection until after you do it. In my case, and possibly yours, it might already be too late.
Thanks for sharing and being honest Chris. I appreciate your viewpoint and I’ve heard it from some of my friends as well. I suppose I can’t comment much on this because I don’t know if we share the same faith and my views are rooted in my faith. If I wasn’t a Christian I may agree with you. But if I believe God is who He says He is then I can trust His word and I can trust that He will guide me in the decision of who to spend my life with without having to have sex with them prior. I’ve known some couples who waited to have sex until they were married and then really struggled in their sex life right after marriage. They assumed it was because they weren’t sexually compatible. BUT its been amazing watching those marriages (my good friends) be restored as the couple learned that love goes much deeper than that and sex has turned into an act of selfless giving instead of the reverse. Also, on a practical level they realized with time and practice they got better. I realize I don’t know anything about you or your story so I don’t mean to speak naively or make assumptions. And of course I’m not married so I can’t speak from experience, strike two, but I can speak from a deep faith and conviction that if I do marry one day our similar faith and our choice to love will guide us through any struggles in the sex department. Thanks for sharing. I appreciate hearing viewpoints that challenge my own.
I appreciated your article. I have often been the one explaining myself as to why I was a virgin until last year (28). That’s when I married my husband. I can also attest to the fact that our first time, on our wedding night, was far from perfect. However, it was not because we were sexually incompatible.
Chris, I’d like to answer your question in the way I answered many of my friends.
Sex is not a set, determined & unchangable characteristic about me. It is not a genetic result of my DNA (although my aunt at Johns Hopkins research is showing we can change parts of our DNA too!) Sex is a choice.
What I mean by that is I choose what mood I’m in, I choose what decisions I make & I choose to selflessly reach out to my husband, to connect in our marriage & in that we are compatible. My husband selflessly makes choices to make me happy too. Please don’t misunderstand, we enjoy every day together, but it’s not about a formula of what I want, it’s about choosing to show love to the other in the way they desire most. (I often use Gary Chapman’s book “the 5 Love Languages” as an example here.)
There is no set way of sex, we choose & we change as people. Many people will tell you their tastes change. But my choice is to honor & respect my husband as the man of God he is, to be solely faithful to him & I started that when I first had the option as a teenager. Many of my friends couldn’t grasp my peace that I had knowing God would guide me & if I never had sex before marriage then I wouldn’t have any unfair expectation to hold my husband to.
Our sex life has certainly not been perfect, but seeing as I had no “experience” I am learning & getting better, thus sex is getting better.
Please also don’t think I am naive. I had plenty of opportunity to have sex & in fact, my husband was sexually active from a teenager on, until about 2 years before our wedding (6 months before we met). He will be the first to tell you, he regrets it. He didn’t learn who he was “compatible” with. He only was hurt by others, developed guilt over poor decisions & compromising situations, & now wishes he could offer me the same story of respect & honor I gave him in waiting.
So I offer our story as a real life example that sex is not “compatibility” but rather a selfless act of love we give to our one we have committed to, to actively grow & strengthen our marriage. Marriages take purposeful work, they don’t just happen like fairy tales. But that’s a different discussion.
Chris , it is soo sad that you feel this way , sex is something that is sooo beautiful and if you truly are in-love with the person you are with I don’t believe there is a such thing as sexual incompatibility. Sex will only enhance the Strength and beauty of your relationship. I pray that you find true un-conditional love.
hi chris. indeed mandy & lily have both said a lot. let me say that i got married 3yrs ago. my hubby & i had never had sex with anyone. we had opportunities to give our bodies whether in previous relationships or even with each other but it was a choice we made and God helped us.
Marriage takes tolerance, patience, one person may be very much interested in sex while the other is conservative. understanding that marriage is not for two perfect people, but two people who love each other and are willing to make sacrifices for each other. Christ loved the church and died for her. That kind of love.
our first few nights were not totally fantastic but we were so determined to please each other in bed and this we worked hard at. we wanted to have fun and so we got as much knowledge as possible and i can tell you so far it’s been splendid. passionate love making, aggressive, i mean anything the mind could fathom we have tried out and it’s working.
The will to get better in it is what’s important and to also create time for it. when we got married we practically doing it everyday, but today that frequency has reduced(to 3 ,4 times a week) not because our passion for each other has reduced I guess we couldn’t keep up with that tempo.sex is work. So friendship and the determination to keep it together; get better in bed just like every other area of our lives is what keeps us going.
You can make it work.
Thank you for writing this, Mandy. It is refreshing to know that some one shares the same beliefs as me. I love your viewpoint and your writing. I’m only an 18 year old virgin and I know God will provide for me, but it does get difficult in college from time-to-time, especially when I’ve had relationships end simply because of my beliefs. Being a christian is counter-culture in general, but holding sex to a higher standard and saving yourself for your husband is the direct opposite of what society tells us to do today. It is articles like yours that keep my spirit lifted, and my mind and heart focused on what is truly valuable. Thank you!
Most definitely Harper. Thanks so much for sharing your story! I am so glad to hear that you are standing by your convictions. Stay strong girl!
A host of societal ills relate to sex: sex crimes, body-image crisis, workplace discrimination, etc. However, it seems an unsupported leap of logic to suppose that long-term abstinence and ritually formalized monogamy can solve or even ameliorate any of these issues.
Almost anything that can be done, can be done badly. I see no compelling reason to believe your conjectures.
Thanks for sharing Jbar. I really appreciate comments that challenge. I’m merely saying it starts one person at a time. That was the point of the article. I’m not saying this will stop human trafficking, or porn addiction or body image crisis, etc as a whole in society. I am merely saying it starts one person at time, setting the standard for own lives and not living in bondage to sexual addiction. And to me its not ritually formalized monogamy. Its monogamy born out of the deepest love I’ve ever know for my Creator, God. And if I marry one day, its born out of my desire to present myself whole, not used and broken to the man I marry. It’s a very joyful thing. Not religion. If you don’t share my belief system this will all sound ludicrous to you. I understand that. So I have no expectation for you to believe my conjectures. I appreciate you reading though and sharing your thoughts.
I’m deeply impressed by your willingness to engage. Thank you.
I’m of two minds about this. I think we can amicably disagree, but I also can’t help but feel somewhat unfairly prejudged.
I believe that a healthy, whole, and joyful life that’s full of love can exist in tandem with (and is actually enhanced by) healthy and abundant sexuality, unfettered and outside of the bounds of marriage or even monogamy. I believe that having such relationships is not morally problematic, nor indicative of addiction or poor self control or any other flaw. And I further believe that going into a lifetime commitment without having explored one’s sexuality is risky and ill-advised.
I’m happy that you’ve found a way of life that works for you, and I’m not trying to encourage you to change it. I would merely ask you not to think of “used and broken” as the sole alternative to “chaste”. I can assure you, lacking virginity does not in the least diminish anyone’s value; nor does having had sex before reduce in the slightest the power and joy of each successive gift of oneself.
Once again thanks for sharing Jbar. Agreed, perhaps it is best for us to amicably disagree. ;). All of my viewpoints are rooted in my Christian faith so if we don’t share that common ground then our perspectives will be conflicting. However, I do want to acknowledge and thank-you for pointing out that “a healthy, whole and joyful life that’s full of love can exist in tandem with abundant sexuality outside of marriage bonds”. If a couple doesn’t have the belief system I do it doesn’t mean that they aren’t capable of experiencing real love outside of the bonds of marriage. Of course they are and they might even have a more real passion and love for eachother than some Christians in a marriage relationships. Perhaps more conservative Christians would vehemently abhor me for acknowledging that. But, it’s true. I think there are plenty of people who are not Christians who live and practice real love both in romantic relationships and in friendships better than some Christians. But this article isn’t necessarily written for them and I didn’t mean to make it sound like I was belittling them or calling them broken people. This article rather is written for those who share my faith and also for those who might not necessarily share my faith but have taken sex to an unhealthy addictive and abusive extreme.
I have to disagree that going into a lifetime commitment without having explored one’s sexuality could be destructive. Perhaps for some who don’t have their relationship rooted in something deeper. But I think it’s less a matter of finding someone with whom sex is pleasurable and more a matter of creating a pleasurable sexual union with the person I’m with. I know some Christians who have done nothing before their wedding, got married, had to work through some things but they learned together. Real love and freedom in sexuality are rooted in respect and trust. If I marry it will out of trust and respect for my man, not because he’s good in bed. To me the good in bed part is the overflow of a core foundation of true respect, trust and love. And I realize it may take us plenty of practice and patience in the beginning but I’m willing to go through that if I know I chose the right man based on deeper attributes.
Also, thank you for pointing out that “used and broken” isn’t the sole alternative to chaste. I would agree and really didn’t intend for this article to suggest that. It pains me to hear that that’s what you got from this post. I do ministry every Friday night with girls caught in prostitution on the streets of LA and the last thing I would ever want them to feel is that they are somehow less because they aren’t virgins. I will go back and insure my wording is more clear. Thank you once again for sharing your thoughts. It’s greatly appreciated. And its been an honor chatting 🙂
Jbar do you think you could expand on your last sentence? It would be interesting to see what you you had to say in a 1500 word article where you could really express your beliefs and state them in a logical and well thought manner.
I hope you can take the time to write such an article. It would be interesting to see what the counter point is.
This is a great post, thanks for sharing your thoughts and for the vulnerability. I love the value and dignity that comes through from beginning to end. I just wrote a post on the “sex is an appetite” thinking on my own site… I loved reading your thoughts on this! Here is my thoughts (if I can be so bold)… http://www.thisisloveactually.com/sex-potato-chip/ Keep up the good work, I definitely will keep reading.
Thanks so much Lindsey! I appreciate the encouragement. And I just checked out your blog. Really great! I left a comment for you there. And I look forward to reading your writing as well 🙂
Good for you.
But why all the bible quotes?
Thanks Simon. I share the bible quotes to show that my thoughts and beliefs are not just rooted in shallow or naive thinking but that they rooted in scripture and my faith.
Thanks for sharing this, I waited until I got married at 26 years old and it was the best thing I did! Knowing that my now-husband who had been sexually active before waited for me made our honeymoon and this first year and a half of marriage incredible. It’s worth it even though I had countless friends and colleagues who thought I was crazy and outdated. God honors your decision.
Awesome Isa. Thanks so much for sharing your story. It’s an encouragement!
History and reality shows that the fairytale ideal of a magical union of two people that were meant for each other has no basis in reality.
Half of all marriages end in divorce, people get into and out of relationships all the time.
What a lot of “waiters” find out is that they “meet God’s special match’ for them, marry, FINALLY have sex, then within a year, a few years, maybe a decade, the marriage falls apart. One cannot become a virgin again and start over.
Finally, the concept of waiting for one special person is not even biblical- the Bible is littered with men with multiple wives and concubines, with incestuous relationships like Lot with his daughters, Adam had Lilith then God tossed her out to replace her with eve.
Finally, the concept that God created the ENTIRE universe- hundreds of billions of solar systems, trillions of planets, stars! Then what? He spends the rest of his time monitoring what is going on in your pants on this one little insignificant planet in one average galaxy? Is God really that anal retentive? Is he really that small?
“What do we do with things we value?” We get them out an polish them!
Hey Cris. Thanks for sharing. And I agree. I’m not saying there’s one magical person I am waiting for. Refer to my post, “Why I stopped Waiting For The One”. The idea that we each have a soul mate I think is a myth and lie that the church and culture feeds people. I think God gave us a brain for a reason to make the conscious choice on who we are to commit to, love and cherish. And I also agree that that whole line of thinking isn’t biblical. Remaining sexually pure before marriage is biblical but the whole “soul mate” concept isn’t. And you pointed out that the Bible is littered with instances of multiple partners, incest, polygamy, etc. But that is the old covenant and exactly what Jesus came to die for.
And regarding your final comment. Judging from everything you’ve said previously we will just have to agree to disagree here. I believe the part of His creation that He prioritizes over everything else, (ie solar systems, planets, stars) is human beings. The very fact that those stars don’t fall from outer-space and kill everything and everyone on earth is a miracle in itself. The fact that the earth rotates at just the right speed so that creation isn’t flung into outerspace or smashed like a pancake into it is a miracle in itself and shows how much He loves and values us. If He created this world for us and gave us scripture to live by then I believe that shows that He cares about each and everyone of us and the way that we live our lives. I think He cares about our feelings, our pain, our joy and our decisions. That’s just how I view God and I’ve fought through years of study, prayer and travel to come to this conclusion. I understand that much of the world may never agree with me. Thank you however for your thoughts. I appreciate you sharing.
Wow, the Spirit is clearly moving within you. Keep up your ministry. Your replies are always on point. Blessings
Thanks brad. Blessing to you too 🙂
seriously i just admire you. awesome awesome thoughts and expressions.
Thanks @ibitayo. I’m so glad it was an encouragement 🙂
What is the purpose of marriage?
Beside the fact that God pronounced His blessing on it, many people have no real idea of its significance.
Every human relationship is but a flawed example of the many ways God relates to us.
He provides like a Father, nurtures like a mother, understands like a brother or a friend.
And as in a marriage when a husband pledges to love, cherish, protect and provide for his wife, so does Christ pledge His undying devotion to His bride(the Church). The Church( each individual who is guided by the Sprit and the Word of God) in turn pledges to love honor and obey her Husband. Commitment, a vital part of any relationship. The sacred vows of marriage meant never to be broken. Then there comes the completion or consumation. When a husband enters his wife they become ‘one flesh’, just so when the Spirit of God enters the heart, the individual becomes ‘one flesh’ with the divine life of Christ. It doesn’t mean they become God it means that the individual has become so intimate with Christ that nothing should come between the two.
It is a union so sacred that it should not be shared with another. That is why Israel’s constant backsliding and idolatry was called fornication and adultery in the old testament.
As in the physical so is the spiritual.
As the seed (the Word) is planted in the heart ( mind) it grows and fruits of the Spirit come forth. Love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith etc.
The deceiver has done His work well in causing humanity to view such sacred examples as common and cheap.
I say the following as one who has lived the life of thinking that sex was just sex. It is not. I make no apologies for the following statements, but to those who truly do not know better, for though I was guilty of that sin, as I learned the value of my life as shown in the price God was willing to pay for me, I see a need to tell it like it is.
Sex without commitment has no honor, is not born of true love and does not enrich humanity. In fact it is the expression of the basest human passion without regard to the effect it creates in the other individual. It is merely instant gratification in practice.
The bible gives account of these things so we can see the true nature of humanity and learn from their mistakes instead of making them ourselves but without God we are doomed to repeat the cycle of destruction until we have ruined ourselves and anyone within reach.
Sex in its true light and purpose is wonderful. But as it has been abused by mankind, it has given rise to disease, broken homes, broken children, emotionally starved humanity, a deep sense of worthlessness clearly seen by the desperate desire for acceptance at any cost. Just like overeating, today sex is just a habit of gorging oneself when the limit is long past.
Agree, disagree, or agree to disagree .
It is the commitment that gives meaning to the act. Without it, it is merely a physical activity that gives pleasure. When it means so much more, why settle for less. I applaud and appreciate those in the uphill struggle against the pull of the world and the flesh
. To those who are still entrapped as I was for years, there is hope and how sweet the victory is. When the time and settings are right, then understanding the significance of the deed, enjoy.
Within the boundaries of marriage, the family unit is protected. The choice should be made to live positively and constructively for each other. One selfish party can make life hell for both (or all if children are involved) which is the main cause of divorce and the misery and negative image marriage bears today.
Falling love has been made the determining factor in finding a mate. Physical attraction is important. However, it should take a backseat to more important elements such as character, morals, and personal ethics.
Too often the story starts off in a whirlwind of estacy only to crash and burn when true nature is revealed.
Is she supportive?
Can she/manage the economic demands of having a family?
Will he/she spend the family budget frivolously?
Will he do what it takes to take care of his family?
What are his/her beliefs on fidelity?
What are their relationships with their families like?
How do they hold up under pressure?
What are their priorities?
Too often, things like these are overlooked because in a blaze of infatuation induced enlightenment, words are spoken that would put Shakespeare’s sonnets to shame.
A relationship that puts the essentials in focus is like a good foundation. The building may topple, but it will take a much harder blow to knock it down and the foundation will still stand.
A strong relationship in the parents provides a backbone and a launching pad from which children who are raised by loving principle and not foolish sentimentality, or harsh misguided discipline, can emerge as confident productive members of society. They too have the choice then to continue in that positive light or succumb to the baser passions and its often dire consequences.
Who is often the school bully? A child being bullied themselves, by life in terms of family over which he/she has no choice or by acquaintances.
Being a single parent is hard. Hard on the parent, hard on the child(ren). It is similar to propping up a growing plant on only one side. That was not how God designed it to be.
Having two consciously devoted parents gives children life skills essential for coping with the world around them and understanding their part in it.
It should not be taken lightly, anything that involves bringing a human being into the world . For the future is determined by the products of the present.
Marriage is essential for the betterment of humanity.
Point of all the above……since marriage is essential to not just survival but improvement, then time and a clear head should guide. Not the burning urge to coupulate. That creates more harm than good more often than not. Let the mental faculties have a stronger say in matters that determine the future.
Wait….wait for that person that meets reasonable, rational and emotionally satisfactory standards. Attraction is often times just a natural physical reaction to something that is pleasing to the eye. Its not your only chance at love. What happens if that gorgeous creature is a serial killer or a con artist? You think you can change them? People change when they have a reason to. If it is anything other than a deep seated desire, then they will eventually return to their original state.
Love is a choice. Not something you fall into. Make the choice worth it. Don’t complicate an already complicated process with the emotional entanglement that sexual unions create.
Be wise.
Choose someone with whom you can have a future . Think, this is the person my children will call mom/dad and if the idea looks ludicrous or makes you panic then neither you or your choice are ready.
Choose wisely and whether the morning is sunny or dark, choose to commit yourself anew every morning to that person, right after recommitting to God. If each partner does this instead of flying by feelings which fluctuate like the wind, imagine how much stronger and how much more stable our lives and the lives of our children would be.
I found your comments very straight-to-the-point. I definitely enjoyed reading them. And considering that you once lived with that mindset of ‘sex is just sex’, i would really love to hear your story of how you moved from there to this place where you speak with such firmness about the truth. Good one!!
Excellent revelation… I too understand the value of what you wrote.When I was a teenager my mindset was whom ever I chose to have sex with, that would be the woman I intended to marry. Unfortunately it didn’t work the way I planned. God and his infinite wisdom allowed me to remove myself from my present situation to find the woman whom God intended for me to be with. We just celebrated 18 yrs of marriage with two teenage daughters. I most definitely will let them read your post to show them that the gift they have is sacred and meant for one person, their husband. I started telling them early in life and constantly remind them, don’t invest your emotions and their bodies in someone who is not their future. Thank you once again for your post.
Awesome. So glad to hear it Neil. Congrats on 18 years! And I hope this article is an encouragement to your daughters. Thanks!
I am amazed by how much wisdom is in your words and I know God is so honored by your decision that He is blessing you! Thank you for sharing your story and encouraging people whose hearts can identify with you. Not everyone will understand but you stand firm in our Father’s truth and promises for us! God BLESS you!
Thanks so much Ruth. This is incredibly encouraging. And thanks for the reminder to stand firm. Someone had shared this article on a large atheist forum so I’ve been getting a ton of flack for it and some disrespectful messages regarding faith and my stance. I appreciate that it is reaching that audience but at the same time it is an incredible blessing to hear that it is also reaching readers who can identity and be encouraged through it. Thank you.
yes just keep up the good work. You are definitely a big blessing. I got married at 26; a virgin. hubby was 29 a virgin
Awesome. Thanks for the encouragement @ibitayo.
While I do not share your religious background or beliefs I wanted to comment and say that you are doing the right thing and should be proud. Neither my husband nor I waited until marriage to have sex, we both shared that experience with others. I do not for one moment regret any sexual experiences with my now husband, but i do often wish that we were virgins when we met and we both freely acknowledge that. The fact that we have had previous sexual relationships has been one of the only, if not the only, cause of tension or arguments in our truly happy relationship. It is easy to consent to having sex but impossible to take it back. I choose to not live a life of regret but rather to learn from my experiences and believe that I had them for a reason. The reason i believe is to share with my children and encourage them to not rush into sex. It is a beautiful thing meant to be shared with your life partner. I hope that this comment is not too long winded, i felt the need to congratulate you on your perserverance.
Im conversing with many, (virginity) comes out and I don’t practice. I get insulted and called gay. Or childish remarks as the 40 yrs virgin. I’m 29 as well but a guy( A Marine) There has been many guys that say don’t worry buddy we will change that. On that same chord… Talking with women. It comes out. Most heart felt conversations goes like I wish I would of waited they say. I’ve advised several women to change their thoughts and values to the way it was before they lost their virginity.
They were just screwing around and didn’t even know why. They can still cherish not to engage in the flesh and save til marriage. Ones married!! 🙂 I’m excited!!!!
– I’m so very very encouraged to know that their are still people holding on to the purity temple 1 thes 4:3-4( which is holy and honorable). We are a dying breed( we that value our virginity/ also God). I Definately won’t compare us because you come of differently( technicalities… Basically and I’m sure we are on different levels of love :p . I love people so much but their is a lack of love in people’s lives. True love 1 cor 13. Many people are self seekers. But to pursue never holding wrongs on others/ partner( no matter what it may be) Showing love continually because you value them whole. Always trusting(because it says so). Always hoping (hope til the end- til death do us part). And persevering!!
Comment: if God has called you to do! Do it! 🙂 God is for you.
-Love never fails!!!!! God is it. And He is faithful. We are glimpses of His love. But He is LOVE. We choose to love. He is!! He is so wonderful! 🙂
-Love that is patient to wait for the other whether it takes years. And it should. It takes several years before you really get to know who they really are. And praying for truth to be seen in the other is a start.
-I ramble, sorry- All this to say, sex is only a small piece of love. And our society is viewing it as love. It is tainted in perception. Sex should come after love and not before.
We (society) don’t value others or ourselves. We want now to satisfy our urges and wants and want it to last.
Sex is not complicated. It’s not rocket science. People are complicated because they have no foundation, morals, values or conviction. And the ones that do society takes them and they conform.
I do value sex! One reason why I haven’t had it. I’m sure it will be amazing if I’m 18 or 80.
I Definately agree on everything on sex is complicated para. I think.
-Sex as binding together two to one. Agreed!! And can’t wait. It’s unfortunate that our society is shifting against what God has planned. Closer together. But everything is breaking and splitting. Marriages out of religion and even marriages in the churches. It’s a sad sad truth!
Lastly… This guy does not shut up! I love love love your article!!!! Keep writing and speaking about love, relationships, God and the lack of Him!!! Godly Virginity (self control) is a must speak on. Imagine if your the voice this nation needs to hear for change. Apart from God we are nothing. 🙂 God Bless Mandy.
Thanks so much Nathaniel for sharing your thoughts and for your encouragement. Im so glad the article was a blessing to you as well.
Natasha, thank you for sharing. I am sad to hear that you two are struggling with your pasts and I wish you all the luck in figuring it out together in love. It sounds like you two communicate well and that is such an important aspect of a relationship. It sounds like you two really love each other.
However, while that may be your experience, do keep in mind that that is not always how it is for others. My significant other of four years had been with many women before he met me. He does not regret it and I do not wish for anything different. Tantra plays a significant role in his life, and if he were a virgin when we met he would not have been the man I came to fall in love with. I have no insecurity about his past because I am the one who is with him now,
I wish you the best of luck.
Thanks so much Natasha for sharing your story and perspective. It really is such a huge motivation and encouragement. As well as a very needed first hand perspective on this blog. Thank you.
What a beautiful blog! This was just so spirit filled so thankful for such powerful truths! Thanks for sharing your heart with us.
Thanks so much Ababa. I’m glad it was an encouragement 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing this, Mandy! I sent this to my almost 20 year old daughter, who just started dating and is also a virgin. She told her boyfriend she wants to maintain her purity until her wedding day and I just wanted to encourage her with your story.
Wow. So glad this was a blessing Carla and glad to hear that you were able to send it to your daughter. I’ll pray right now for strength for her. God Bless!
Mandy – Excellent article. I’m a 52 year old Christian guy who is a virgin. I have learned over the years not to look at statistics or waste my time on Hollywood movies. If you value other guys who share your standards, I encourage you to treasure and protect them as well. Think about what they’re enduring in the world today. Stay strong. There may be few on this road, but we know where we’re going.
Agreed. Thanks for sharing John.
I read through the whole thing. I just don’t agree with it. I was a virgin till I was 21 and I do not regret that I gave it away outside of marriage. There are a few problems with your article, one if then is using a text like the Bible to back up what you believe. Do you not realize that the ancient world was also very sexually active? You should study real Egyptian history of sex. The ancient Chinese invented one of the first sex toys. The Bible supports slavery and sexism, so I would not put value on its view of sex. Sex is only useful for procreation. It’s a pleasure from endorphins, that’s why people like it. There is a lot of stress in life and sex is a great stress reliever. If the pleasure side did not exist, there would be no big deal made out of sex. Sexual addiction is no different than an addiction to a faith in a God. Any addiction is not healthy no matter what it is…
@J. Payne. Thanks for sharing. I most definitely acknowledge that the ancient world was sexually active. And I’m thankful they were because otherwise we wouldn’t be here. BUT that has nothing to do with my article. I’m not saying let’s all go hide in caves, become Priests and Nuns and never have sex. I’m saying, I want sex like crazy but I value it enough to have it only with a man that I love enough to commit my life to. Secondly, the bible doesn’t support slavery and sexism. That’s a whole other conversation. Context. context. context. I’ll touch briefly on what people assume is sexism in the bible. Yes, it talks about how, in the marriage covenant, the man is the head of the woman. But we often misinterpret that scripture and assume it means the man has some power struggle over the woman. Instead it’s an analogy to Christ’s covenant with his bride. It’s a model of Christ’s headship. How do we see Christ modeling headship in scripture? Through serving, through taking responsibility, through putting others before himself and loving selflessly. So being the head doesn’t mean some unhealthy power struggle, it means that men are called to serve, love, live selflessly and put their wives and family ahead of themselves and their own desires. And finally, in regards to your last point. You’re right. Sex is a great stress reliever which is why it can easily become an addiction. You’re also right that any addiction is not healthy no matter what it is. UNLESS however it is an addiction to the only thing on this earth that brings true freedom from every other addiction. Every other addiction causes more pain and is a downward spiral. An addiction to Jesus Christ is the exact opposite. I am a better, more whole, complete, free, beautiful, strong woman because of my addiction to Christ. We all have our addictions, exactly because we’re human. The only question is, What are we going to spend our lives being addicted to? One of my favorite song lyrics by the band Mutemath says it best, “Everyone has their obsession. Consuming thoughts, consuming time. We hold high our prized possesions. They define the meaning of our lives. You are mine.”
You are awesome Mandy!!!, Greetings from Peru
Thanks so much @Violeta!
Love it! Very well written. I like how you were able to share your beliefs in a graceful way and not in a judgmental way. I am 24 and have never kissed. I am saving myself for my husband and want my first kiss to be my gift to him–and more importantly, it is my gift to Him. (This all sounded much better when I was in 8th grade and declaring my newfound goal to my Christian girlfriends…but oh, well.) Usually, when kissing is brought up and my never kissing anyone “comes out” in conversation I am usually confronted by people who will feel instantly judged and who try to change my mind and convince me that I’m being too extreme…they’re usually Christian too. So I know how difficult it can be to simply share a personal commitment without making people around me feel bad about themselves.
Anyway, a GREAT read! I look forward to reading more in your blog! :]
Hey Aline. I’m glad you were encouraged by the blog and thanks for sharing. First off, way to stand by your convictions in spite of negative feedback you’ve gotten. I know how hard that can be. I actually had the same plan of saving my first kiss for my husband. I was 27 when I had my first kiss and I didn’t end up marrying that man. But you know what? That’s okay because my love story is God’s and not my own. I would just encourage you to pursue purity for Christ’s sake first and foremost. That can sound cliche but I say it because I know how easy it can be to pursue purity for legalisms sake or to live up to the standards of Christian culture or to prove something to yourself or even because it’s a romantic notion. But those all can be dangerous motivations standing alone. I applaud you for having such high standards and if that’s how your story turns out, that’s wonderful. But if it’s not and God has other plans that’s okay too. As long as you’re pursuing Him and are open to whatever He has for you regarding your love story. Sounds like you have a solid head on your shoulders. I wish you the best!
I definitely know what you’re saying! I had a series of corrections from Him a while back about my motives behind this. The way I decided to do it was because I had been taught in the church that we could somehow make a trade with God (if you’re pure, you’ll get to marry someone who’s pure also and your marriage will be awesome). I think it’s still a prevalent view in the church. His gentle corrections took my focus from that and brought it to Him.
Recently He’s been revealing more and more about grace to me and that topic came up again. God’s goodness is independent from ours. We can’t ever be good enough in ourselves to deserve His goodness. Scary that He doesn’t go by our systems, but so GOOD that He doesn’t go by our systems. I have definitely been aware that my plans don’t usually work and I know that this is no exception. I do hold on to Him and prayerfully make decisions regarding dating and men and friendships with guys. I can’t do much on my own…but with Him I can do anything, really. Add supportive, God-fearing friends and leadership to that.
So yes 🙂 I agree that God writes our stories…and He does it SO MUCH BETTER than we (or Jane Austen) could ever write them. Thanks so much for replying to my comment 🙂
I really enjoy your blog and your writing! And I’m encouraged by your testimony and how God is using you to reach out to so many people.
Happy New Year!!
Reblogged this on fantasticfo and commented:
Great read. Thought I’d share.
Thanks!
Reblogged this on Bag Lady Boutique and commented:
Its great to hear that you have not fallen victim to the sex crave. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks!
This is beautiful! I am a twenty year old college student. I have a boyfriend, and people think after a year together we must be having sex. Even people in my family. I find this so encouraging. Thank you for sharing this, because God creating sex to be something beautiful, intimate, and binding. I do not think that should be taken lightly or thrown around. To see someone put that into words in a way I could not is wonderful. Keep letting God write your story.
Thanks Mac. And awesome. I’m so glad this was an encouragement to you. It’s so great to hear that you’re standing strong in your convictions. It’s not easy. Keep it up!
Well said and honouring to God.
Im struck by the way you display such confidence in who you are and what you believe but still you are able to be so open-minded and accepting. You are a rare breed, continue to write!
Thanks so much Leah! That’s such an encouragement.
This is so good! I was a virgin by choice and married at 26. Married now for going on 25 years and married to the most awesome man. He values me so much and he’s so thankful I waited for him. He became a Christian as a young man and from then on worked to have that area in control. I have 3 daughters and one son. My first daughter just married at 21 and made a choice to be a virgin. All of them will make their own choices but already my kids can see the difference of waiting versus take what you can get. Thanks for your writing.
Awesome! So great to hear. Thanks for sharing Janet!
Mandy as much as i don’t agree with your article i was raised in a christian home so i know that what you’re saying makes sense.You engage without disrespect or judgement.Bravo!most deep rooted Christians that i have met with strong views are too busy looking down their nose.
Thanks @ez :). It means a ton hearing your perspective.
What a fantastic read,thanks for sharing your Mandy and standing up for your faith! Keep it up! God Bless you always!
Thanks so much Renwyn!
Except, scientifically we are designed to have more than one partner. People use to believe that if a woman had sex with many men, her baby would be a combo of the best aspects of those men, and all those men would intern protect her child (it takes a village). That’s why women can have multiple orgasms. It is in fact, unnatural to be monogamous. http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern…/dp/0061707813
@Naomi, thanks for sharing. I tried clicking on the link, but it didn’t work.? I’ve actually done some research as well in the past about the science behind sexual bonding and found a book written by a group of neuroscientists called, Hooked. In it they reveal scientific evidence that would suggest that humans were designed to be monogamous.They found that with sexual intercourse and orgasm, the woman’s brain is flooded with Oxytocin (the female bonding chemical), causing her to desire the same kind of contact again and again with the same man, producing even stronger bonding. Furthermore they suggest that men have a similar bonding chemical called, Vasopressin. They found that when a male engages in sex, Vasopressin is released, bonding him to his partner and also stimulating the desire for more sex with the same partner.” They suggest that “there is evidence that when this sex/bonding/breakup cycle is repeated a few or many times – even when the bonding was short-lived – damage is done to the important, built in ability to develop significant and meaningful connection to other human beings” I found this both interesting and shocking. And realized it would make no sense for human beings to be hard-wired with these bonding chemicals unless our original design was monogamy. However, I appreciated hearing your thoughts. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for sharing! Such truth and wisdom in your article…I will be sharing this one!
Thanks a ton!
I enjoyed your blog and commend you on your decision to be a virgin. I have been teased about my decision but I know that I’m obeying God and am waiting for HIM to bring me the right man.
Awesome. Thanks for sharing Faith!
There are a lot of parallels between the points you make here about sex, with marriage. Both have been cheapened horribly by our society. I was a virgin when I married my wife, though no longer a christian. I didn’t leave my faith with any sort of prejudice, or to drastically change my lifestyle (such as to start sleeping around), but simply because living and thinking according to the standards of the Lord’s followers (not necessarily the Lord’s himself) caused me to be depressed and guilty, rather than happy and uplifted. When I no longer considered myself a christian, I no longer considered myself bound by that set of moral standards, but by my own. And my own told me that physical sex is only a small part of what real sex is, with the vastly larger part being emotional, so I waited until I found the person I wanted to spend my life with before having sex. That said, apart from your christian basis, I agree with every single point you make about what sex is and can do when respected and valued, versus when it is cheapened and deluded. I was my wife’s second marriage, and for the first few years she would talk to me and marvel about how damaged she hadn’t realized she’d been by her former husband, sexually. She hadn’t ever been promiscuous. She’d simply married a man most would consider a “good guy”. One who loved football and spending tons of time with friends away from her, who didn’t drink or hit her or perform any other stereotypical abuse. But he also never showed her any true love or intimacy or care when they were alone together or in the bedroom. They had sex, but it was selfish, empty, and degrading and had no emotional component, and it hurt my wife deeply. In my eyes, my wife could never be damaged. In my heart she was never even married, not really, because real marriage is a thing at least as complicated as sex. Different people can have different ideas about what constitutes healthy marriage or sex, but to me it has to come down to that emotional component being present. Without it, everything is just vanity.
Wow. Thanks so much for sharing @LovingHusband. I’m sorry to hear about your wife’s experience with her previous husband but it’s amazing to hear that she is finding healing in that area through your marriage. It’s so true. The emotional component of sex is vital. And you’re right, without it, it is vanity. I also appreciate hearing your perspective regarding your faith. I suppose I found the Christian moral standards more freeing than binding because they taught me the depth of the love of Christ for me. But I understand your experience and perspective. My older brother had a very similar experience in his faith walk and walked away from God for many years because of it. Thanks for sharing. Your experience and perspective is hugely important.
This is a wonderful piece! Thank you so much for writing.
I got married 2 years ago, i was 26, hubby was 28 and we both waited till the night of our wedding. A lot of people, even today when we talk to some people they react like we did something out of the norm. We are happy we waited, it was funny learning together.
Again, Thank you.
Love this! Thanks for sharing @Identity.
As an 18 year old in college, it’s really inspiring to hear some years older than I talk about why they have kept their virginity. So many of my friends have had sex and with multiple people, while I have never had sex. It’s awesome to know that you are almost 30 and were still able to keep your promise to yourself and to God. Thank you so much for sharing this post.
@Ozthegreat. Thanks so much for sharing. Stay strong! Honestly, it only gets harder the older you get but I promise you it will be worth it. Glad this post could be an encouragement. 🙂
I loved reading this. I am a week from turning 30 and still a virgin myself. I thought I was the only one out there! LOL – So this is extremely encouraging.
Awesome. Glad to hear it Breanna! That makes 2 of us. 😉 Glad this was an encouragement.
Mandy,
Do you have an email address?
mandydobbelmann@gmail.com 🙂
Yes, this is encouraging! I’m turning 30 on the 9th and still amazed at how I’m still a virgin. I pray that my future husband will be one too 🙂
Awesome. 🙂
This is encouraging. I’m turning 30 on the 9th and I’m amazed that I’ve waited so long. I pray for my future husband to be a virgin as well.
Awesome. So great to hear this @A.B. I wish you the best!
wow really good! love how you expressed it!
Thanks Fabiola!
Amen! Beautiful, encouraging, and well-written. I am a 40-year-old virgin by choice, just like you and many others. My choice is based on my religious background and out of respect for myself. I’ve been praying and waiting for the one God has chosen especially for me.
Kim – I’m glad to see someone else around my age who has made the same commitment. johnhughmorgan3@yahoo.com
Awesome Kim! This is such an encouragement to hear. I wish you the best!
Wow… It takes a real woman of virtue to stand up to this contamination that has befallen our generation. This is surely a word for the now, a call to the women to take pride in their virginity and add some more self worth. God bless you Mandy.
Thanks so much @poetbennyking!
Mandy, thank you for sharing. I also was a 29 year old virgin until I was married just before my 30th birthday. I have never been sorry that we waited. Although it was not picture perfect at the beginning, it has become more and more amazing and beautiful with time. What a pure perspective you have and I love your grace conversing with those of opposing opinions. Peace and Blessings.
Thanks so much @Lori. 🙂 It’s so great hearing your perspective. Thanks for sharing!
Reblogged this on voiceofburundi and commented:
So true…
This is fantastic! Thank you so much for this article.
Thank you @Yessenia. I’m glad it’s a blessing. 🙂
I think deep down every person desires to have a beuatiful unique sexual reationship within a committed marriage. When i have had similar conversations with people who don’t necessarily share my views or experiences I can see in their eyes that they wish they had waited and deep down the sacredness of sex resonates within their heart. Well done, how can people know a different path unless someone shows them !
Agreed! Thanks so much Matt. 🙂
I’ll weigh in from my perspective as a man: this article was refreshing. Related tangent:
I really enjoyed the TV show “Friends”. I found the characters interesting and funny. However, there was something that occurred in one of the early seasons that still bugs me to this day. Joey was dating Phoebe’s twin sister and Rachel made the following comment: “It’s not serious. They haven’t even slept together yet.”
Think about that for a minute (okay, you have for many years apparently): the seriousness of a relationship is now defined as whether or not intercourse has occurred. I found-and continued to find- that mindset pathetic and sad.
@physicsgeek. Agreed. It is very sad. I’ve heard similar comments on other movies/sitcoms and it makes me a bit sick. That’s our culture. :/
I’m glad this article was refreshing for you.
I respect your viewpoints and the way you choose to live by the bible, but humans are not a naturally monogamist species. Monogamy is a recent culture and social change in our history. We are meant to explore ourselves and others throughout our lifetime. But what you’re doing is a brave thing, I bet it’s extremely hard for you too keep a relationship while fighting these natural and beautiful urges everyday, as well as your boyfriends that you make “wait”. Not sure how you do it, but more respect. Missing out on the best feeling in the world, but you’ll experience it eventually on your own terms.
@Brett, thanks so much for sharing and being so respectful even when you disagree. I really appreciate hearing your thoughts. I think what actually gives me strength in all of this is I do believe we were created to be monogamous. Out of curiosity I’ve even researched a bit of the science behind sex and our natural wiring and have found more evidance than not that monogamy was the original design. I wrote about it a bit in Part 2 to this article. There was a study done by group of neuroscientists on the bonding mechanisms in the human brain. They are not Christians or affiliated with any religion so their findings were merely the facts, not biased. They discussed the male and female bonding chemicals and found that “with sexual intercourse and orgasm, the woman’s brain is flooded with the female bonding chemical, Oxytocin, causing her to desire this same kind of contact again and again with this man she has bonded to, producing even stronger bonding.” Furthermore they suggest that men have a similar bonding chemical called, Vasopressin. They found that “when a male engages in sex, Vasopressin is released, bonding him to his partner and also stimulating the desire for more sex with the same partner.” They suggest that “there is evidence that when this sex/bonding/breakup cycle is repeated a few or many times – even when the bonding was short-lived – damage is done to the important, built in ability to develop significant and meaningful connection to other human beings” THis might seem like just 1 small aspect of it all, but this is huge to me. Even if it isn’t our original design, I’ve seen too many of my friends spend their young lives feeling emotionally broken because of a sexual past to want that for myself. I know it may seem to others like I am “missing out” now, but I guess I don’t view it like that. I look at it more as an opportunity to focus on other things that I love right now and when that time comes it will be wonderful and mean that much more with the right guy. 🙂 I wasn’t going to write all of that but just wanted to share my perspective. I really appreciate hearing yours. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for writing this! I will definitely share it, more grace!
Thanks @God’sFinestCreation
This is an amazing piece, loved it and your responses too, most people do not know the implication of being joined spiritually and the goal of the enemy is to ensure people live in this ignorance.The plan is to make us think sex outside marriage is normal but the enemy knows what he is doing, we should not be ignorant of his devices no matter how cool they look or sound. Thanks
Thanks @laoluadek. And agreed. Thanks for sharing!
Very lovely Mandy. I’m 32, and a virgin by choice. Growing up in a christian home, in addition to coming across a book called “What i wish my parents knew about my sexuality” by Josh McDowell. Coming across that book at age 12 only strengthened my resolve to remain a virgin till marriage.
The craziest thing is, whenever i promote purity, i usually don’t have issues with non christian friends, but church folk, who throw out words like “judgmental” or going overboard. I’ve even had a girl tell me that it’s naive to expect anyone to remain sexually pure till marriage, when i wrote a blog to my future daughter about doing so. And this was a church girl!!!
It’s a tough uphill battle , because it means not dating some people no matter how strong or mutual the attraction is. Lucky for me, Im the guy, so i can choose not to pursue anyone. But still i have had church girls condescendingly patronize me in the “awww that’s so sweet, innocent little you” about not having dated in the way we have been trained by TV, and movies. Bit frustrating when those supposed to encourage you are the ones playing the antagonist.
However i still believe purity is the way, even beyond the commands of scripture
– If and when i get married, my wife is the ONLY woman i will be with
– There are no comparisons , so that complication is avoided
– No dodging or feeling weird around anyone from my past cos there is nothing
– i can tell my future children that mom and dad waited till marriage , and it will be the truth
– i can teach my future children that a relationship is so much more than the physical
– since we did not get caught up in the physical before marriage we had a real chance to get to know each other
So much more. Thanks for writing this entry Mandy. God Bless and continue to strengthen you and your stance.
Awesome. Thanks so much for sharing @oludascribe. It is encouraging to hear other people’s stories who have similar convictions. I agree that even in the church it has become a rarity. Especially since I moved to LA I have discovered this. It’s quite sad. But I wish you the best! Great perspective!
Reblogged this on davidhabba's blog and commented:
Hey friends
Here is an interesting piece i wanna share with you. Cheers
Reblogged this on Oludascribe's Blog and commented:
My thoughts exactly, Thanks Mandy
25, Male and virgin. As a young boy growing up I didn’t see the need for sex, however when I was in my late teen, I only thought of saving sex for the sake of purity and a gift to my partner. As I grew in God’s word I later understand why sex is only beautiful inside marriage, as a matter of fact when Jesus was asked about divorce He said said Divorce was only permissible in the case of fornication [premarital sex, not adultery]. That is why Joseph was going to divorce Mary [before the Angel appeared] because he thought She had slept with another man. While sex is a reliever and very bodily pleasurable [we have urges, don’t we? Paul said ‘I also burn’] in the context of marriage it is not only for procreation and sexual fulfillment, it is also an act of fellowship [a deep soul-knowing and exchange]. As a matter of fact when the OT KJV talks about a man having sex, it says ‘know’ [and Adam ‘knew’ his wife]. Paul confirms this when he said we exchange our spirits with the people we have sex with. I am saving it for my future partner. Although not very important but for anyone reading I am not waiting for ‘the one’, for a soul-mate. God never chooses a partner for us. He has done it one with Adam, the only man he gave a wife and He blamed God for it. ‘It is the woman you gave me’. If God chose our partners for us, we would blame every problem within our marriage on Him. He who finds a wife [not he who the Lord finds a wife for]. However, we can ask the Lord concerning a person we think is right for us, just as we might ask our earthly father for approval.
I have two older brothers who are also virgins. 28,29 and we are all keeping it for marriage. Yes people ask me ‘why are you a virgin?’ when I explain, most of them end up giving me a high five. To every young woman out there who is still a virgin, It is very heartwarming here that there are still such ladies out there [I’ve always thought so]. Indeed, you all shall be praised. “Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the LORD will be praised.” Proverbs 31:30
Sex is beautiful, sex is pleasurable. We know it, we love it….that’s why we respect it.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts @Kingpowerunited. Good point that sex is an act of fellowship, a deep soul exchange. Thus, the becoming “one flesh” that scripture speaks about. I’m glad this article was an encouragement to you and I wish you the best!
Wonderfully Written.
Thanks @Ko
Really eye opening, this blog. You’ve shared greatly what God is doing in your life. I am not a virgin but you have made me realise I can start from the beginning and build a strong relationship with Christ and be a vessel for his use. I admire your courage and I pray God increases his grace in your life. Please say a prayer for me, I’ll be glad knowing you did. Remain blessed!
These words apply to each man and woman as a person, because of the personal dignity we all share. The Christian faith illuminates truths, but does not “create” the truths themselves, but just makes them easier to see. Your message should be embraced by everyone, regardless of their faith background. Your audience is only limited to persons fighting (and it is a fight) to uphold their great worth.
Great perspective. Thanks so much for sharing @Dan
@Sosanda, I’m so glad to hear that you have been encouraged through this post. You can most definitely start from the beginning again. That is the beauty of Christ and Grace. I will say a prayer for you right now that you would continue to step out in the grace and strength that Christ has given you. And that through the process you would discover deeper levels of His love. Take care! If you ever find yourself just needing to talk with or pray with someone feel free to email me at mandydobbelmann@gmail.com
One word: “Yeeeeesssss!”
Let’s make it complicated!
@Char. ha. 😉
Good read, although what’s seriously lacking is a practical discussion around some of the developmental benefits associated with dating during adolescence and into your early adult years. The experiences we gain during the context of those interactions teaches us about ourselves, others and ultimately informs future decisions regarding selection of a long term mate which most believers and non-believers alike will agree is the single most important decision many people will ever make in their lives.
So yes, keep your pants on, but not just because you love the Lord, but because it makes perfect sense to do so while you really don’t know anything about anything. Then travel, see how the rest of the world lives, breathes and thinks. Learn something about life that you didn’t read in a book or blog and wasn’t dictated to you from a booming voice behind a pulpit or lectern. Date, kiss, hold hands and breakup with someone you care about, but simply isn’t right for you. Each experience will help refine your intuition, personal preferences, ability to resolve conflict, and ultimately will help you build the skills, yes, the skills, you’ll need to employ in order select the right mate and function (from a pure day-to-day operational standpoint) within the context of a healthy marriage.
And by god, learn how to formulate and articulate original thoughts and opinions and know that we serve an all knowing and merciful God who tells use that we’re saved by grace through faith – not deeds and pretending to be perfect.
If you do this, and more, you’ll TRULY be a prize not just because you’ve managed to remain a virgin, but because you’ll have learned something about yourself, the world we live in, and how to live out your faith in such a way that doesn’t make you appear to have missed the boat on life because you were too busy focused on protecting something you, and many others, can clearly live without.
@jamalgay, thanks for sharing. I agree all of this is hugely important. I didn’t include it in this post because you can only write so much in a blog post before it begins turning into a novel. I wanted to keep the main point the main point in this article. But yes, I agree. This post is part of a chapter in a book I am writing and the points you made are things I will be touching on in that book. It is so very true. The things I have learned during my single years have been hugely formative to who I am; traveling, dating, being vulnerable, living life and loving well. Making the main point the main point, not living my life as if I’m waiting for someone to get here because I already have Him. Thanks so much for bringing this up. Hugely important.
In today’s world, it’s kinda tough to take this sort of stand, which is seemingly counter-intuitive to mainstream worldview, but that doesn’t weaken the argument for living out a chaste life, whether one has been chaste for a life time, or have just decided to keep sex safe and complicated.
Kudos!
Agreed. Thanks Felix!
Thanks mandy, this is so encouraging. Am so sharing it.
Thanks @Chisom. Glad it was an encouragement 🙂
Lovely writing, profound thinking, great decision. I “waited til marriage” (mid-20s, poor me!) in the “Boogie Nights” ’70s…and 30 years later, have never regretted it for a moment. I wince for our daughters coming of age in the “twerking” 2000s, but hope that the power of the Internet can connect and affirm us. God bless!
Thanks @Brenda! I’ll pray right now for your daughters. I know it’s not easy but I wish them and you the best. God Bless you too!
Nicely said, Mandy, very nicely said.
As father with three daughters (19-25) following the same path, I am both amazed, and joyously happy for them – and you.
In the cacophony of messages from all directions, it is good to see those like you, who know the value of your gift.
Ok. I understand you. Just one question. What if you never find a person to make a life commitment, will you die a virgin?
@lilses, I’m not too worried about finding a man who will make a life commitment to me. I’m dating a wonderful man right now and that’s our aim. I have come to terms with the thoughts of never getting married but if that happens it will be because I choose a life of devoting my life to the work of Christ. If that’s the case I will die a virgin but my aim is to marry and have a family and I’m confidant it will happen in time.
Thanks so much @Hugh. And glad to hear about your daughters. Awesome! I wish you and your family the best!
Great stuff! I’m a Christian and 40-something year old virgin.
I think that sex can sometimes be compared to other human activities, like eating. For instance, eating is often pleasurable, but is the pleasure that we get from eating the main reason we do it? The same could be said of sex. Yes, God intended it to be pleasurable and to bring the husband and wife closer together, but the pleasure we get from sex is not its main purpose.
I think that for a guy, the secular world sees being a virgin as somehow unmanly. Like, having sex is a right-of-passage or something; as though it’s something you have to do before really becoming a man. If you haven’t, then there’s something wrong with you – like having got to 40 and not knowing how to drive or never having caught a fish.
I think though, that having sex is *easy*. What is so difficult about giving in to your base human instincts on a whim? Anyone can do that. No, what is really difficult is having moral standards that you set for yourself that go against what the body (or the “animal instinct”) wants. Just ask any woman who has ever gone on a diet! It’s very hard to say no when your favorite food is offered to you and you can smell it and almost taste it. Giving in and eating is easy (although you might regret it after you’ve eaten). It’s having the will to say ‘no’ and passing it by that is hard.
And so with sex. It’s very easy to do. The stigma (or “sin”) of what used to be called fornication has long passed in our progressive society. Young people seem to treat sex as a Friday night thrill; like having a glass of wine or a smoke. You don’t have to be in love with the other person. It only matters that they are willing. The “love” in “making love” doesn’t have to be there.
Agreed @Fletch. It’s truly sad what our culture has come to. And you’re right, it’s much harder to stand up for your convictions and go against the grain of culture than it is to go with the flow and do what feels good in the moment. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I wish you the best!
Oh my gosh! So awesome to find someone who writes like me…so cool. I blog at
http://www.songsofintimacy.wordpress.com
I also write about intimacy GOD’S WAY! Totally straight up and truthful. I read this post and some of it reflects my exact mind..amazing! God’s wisdom is powerful!
I hope you’ll visit soon and I will be rebloging this post real soon, thanks.
Awesome @songsofintimacy. I checked out your blog and love it! I’ll definitely be following. 🙂 So glad to hear you have a similar heart for all of this. So needed! THanks for sharing!
Thank you! Happy you like it…keep sharing your heart….I’ll be reading
🙂 God truly uses willing hearts.
P.s I personally waited to have sex with my husband till our wedding night! Almost 11 yrs into our marriage I don’t regret it. I truly believe God has honored us and blesses us because of our decision. I wasn’t a virgin, I had lost it when I was 15 but I became a Christian at 16 and chose to stay pure till marriage. There are men out there that WILL wait. I think maybe girls/women believe there are not many men that still do and so they give in but sadly that’s a lie!!! There is still men out there that WILL treat you like a princess, treat you with real love and respect and cherish you and lay their lives down for you.
BUT ladies gotta give them something to respect and fight for…. I write about that on my blog. ……
I just read this quote yesterday and it is deep:
John Adam’s wrote “…the manners of women [are] the most infallible Barometer, to ascertain the degree of Morality and Virtue in a Nation.””
Wow. Thanks so much for sharing your story. It’s great hearing your perspective and it is so true! There are men out there who will wait! I know plenty of them. But you’re so right, it’s a 2 way street. As women we need to live lives of dignity and morality worthy of the respect we so desire. I absolutely love that quote. Thanks so much for sharing!
Lifenews.com shared an article about you and I really was interested to read this post. I LOVE LOVE LOVE to be refreshed by passionate people like you. The Lord led me out of a very promiscuous and substance-heavy life, and I still to this day can’t get over his grace. I asked him to lead me on and I was brought down a path which led me to a man who loved Jesus so much that he too was waiting for marriage. Although I hadn’t waited, I’d spent a number of years learning about what it meant to make Jesus my #1 and guard my heart, and so with this man I waited until marriage. I am so glad I did. I have had unbelievable trouble with many things in the marriage bed, including images burned into my mind from my “former life”, and my husband has struggled too due to my previous life choices. I greatly regret the way I lived my past, but again, I am so overwhelmed by God’s grace in my life and all the ways he has blessed me since I turned from my ways. My husband and I love each other so much, and we have a 1-year-old son now and another baby on the way!
Anyway, I couldn’t stop scrolling down and reading the comments because I just love the attention you’ve spent on other commenters and the evident care you take with each one (not to mention your wisdom). I think I saw you are getting married (or are married now?)…congratulations! And to keeping sex complicated, well done! You are a light to our world. Thank you.
@Lacie, wow thanks so much for sharing your story. God’s grace and redemption is so beautiful and it seems your life is a powerful testimony of it. I’m so glad you found a man who loves Jesus and who shared your conviction to wait. Congrats on your precious child and the one on the way! I wish you the best! I’m not actually engaged but I have a wonderful boyfriend and who loves Jesus. We’re seeking God’s direction for the future. Thankful 🙂
Wonderful blog. I am a 28-year-old virgin. Self control, staying away from temptations, not giving in to the demands/culture of society no matter how convincing they are, handling properly the judgments and offends of other liberated people; these are forms of sacrifice/suffering. If you look into it, this is a form of carrying your cross. And remember what Jesus said “Carry your cross and follow me.” What he really meant is to be obedient to him until death, that life is not easy, life is full of tests. Be an obedient Christian. It is your soul that is at stake. Remember that in your final judgment, it is always between you and God alone, not between you and those liberated people. You are born to please God and not them. I remember the article of St. John Bosco about his visions of hell, where his boys are “dragged by the snare of human respect” to hell. That’s it, when people tempted, tease, convince, teach, etc. you to do sex, it is the snare, the scariest snare of all, it is the snare of satan, in which the goal is to destroy you. I am very happy for you.
Wow. Thanks so much for sharing @Felorraine. So true and such an important reminder. I wish you the best!
47, and a virgin. Oh, how I wish it wasn’t true 🙂 and that I was married…
What can I do, but continue to trust the Faithful One who has *never* made a mistake–even when it comes to my singleness.
I think that, yes, in all honesty I might be disappointed should I actually get to the end of my life without having the chance to experience this love as expressed in marriage. But as an act of worship, i place this desire before Jesus (sometimes tearfully, sometimes many times in the course of a day, sometimes not without complaining). It’s tough! The struggle is real! But Jesus is good and He is our ultimate reward–not sex, not marriage.
Thanks for sharing–it’s SO refreshing to read about smart, engaging singles who are keeping themselves. I do appreciate when married pastors/leaders/authors/whomever acknowledge and encourage purity–but my radar pings at any condescension, or suggestion that it’s a super-human feat and they’re glad it’s not them, or even the repeated, overused and lazy use of marriage as the go-to example in sermons. Hello! Meet half of all US adults who are single! 🙂
Thanks so much for sharing @Elle. Wow, that’s an inspiration. I’ll pray right now for you that God would continue to strengthen you and give you trust. I’ve learned in all of this how important trust in His ultimate plan and design is. YOur words are an encouragement. Thanks so much for them and for your example!
Mandy, I am really excited to have found this article. SUCH TRUTH here & it’s a view that just isn’t shared by the majority of people. Nice to have someone share it with such clarity but also with grace. I was a virgin until i got married. I was like you – fully rooted in my christian faith & believing that God’s way was to wait until marriage to have sex. Now, i committed to remaining pure until marriage when i was young, probably 14, because i grew up in the church & that is what i was taught. I had no idea God would make me wait so long! 😉 But as the years went by & I got older but remained single, it only became more & more important to me.
My husband & I met as babies & actually dated when i was 19 & he was 21. It was true love, it was real, but the timing was all off. He broke up with me & it took a couple of years post-breakup for me to move on with my life & realize that this guy must have just not been the one for me. I remained single & a virgin through all of my twenties. When i was 29, he called me out of the blue, and guess what? God brought us back together in His way, in His time & it was perfect. The way it was meant to be all along. One thing i love is that even though we had our own lives & didn’t see each other at all for 11 years(!!) we both remained pure & married as virgins at ages 30 & 33.
People asked me “what if you aren’t sexually compatible” & I didn’t think to say “we will practice!” but i LOVE your response to that question! That question annoyed me, especially after i got back together with Brad, because HONESTLY… even if we had sex before marriage & didn’t feel we were compatible sexually – i was so far gone (in love) i wouldn’t END things over that! Does that make sense?! There is SO MUCH MORE about love & marriage than just sex! (& this is coming from a woman who loves sex! LOL.)
Anyway – thanks for sharing. Sorry for such a long comment!! Just want to say “you go, girl!” b/c marriage to the right person – & sex within that marriage – is truly a gift & a joy & a blessing. 😉
@melissavenable, agreed and awesome. Thanks so much for sharing. That really is an amazing story! And such an encouragement. I wish you guys the best!
Sorry – that was a commenter that said “i will practice” – i was thinking it was you! 🙂 LOL. You know what i mean, though!
Thank you so much, for this piece. This was a beautiful, thoughtfully written article with generous doses of grace and respect for dissenting opinions. I’d love to see you express that same measure of insight in other articles on such poignant issues like gay marriage, abortion, etc.
Thanks @happymonday. I appreciate your suggestions. I have written one in a similar vein on Homosexuality. It’s called “Homosexuality, Duck Dynasty and Why We’re Missing The Point” under the “Justice” tab at the top of the page. I’ll definitely have to write another one on Abortion and other issues as well. Thanks a ton.
Thank you so much! I am a 19 year old virgin who has taken a lot of scrutiny for my choice. It is very difficult to stay true to my faith and decision to be abstinent in college where the popular thing is to have sex. Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone. 🙂
So glad to hear this @collegechristian. I’m glad it was an encouragement. Stay strong!
Thank you so much! I am a 19 year old college student. When my fellow peers find out that I am a virgin, I suddenly become the outcast. It is not an easy decision to honor and sometimes I wonder if I am making the right decision because sex is so popular. Thank you for showing me that I can continue to be abstinent until marriage. I am encouraged. God bless 🙂
Thanks for sharing @playerangela2012. It is definitely no easy decision but I can assure you it is so so worth it. Stay strong! I wish you the best!
Hi Mandy,
I was one of those who messed up early on, got saved at 21, and then turned “dating” over to God. By the grace of God, my husband and I did not have sex before we got married 🙂 We just celebrated our 20th anniversary last August. We both had had sex before, and there was a lot of “undoing” to do in our marriage because of it.
Keep your eyes on Jesus. It is SO worth the wait!!
How we got together is an incredible God story that we have shared numerous times over the years when people ask how we met. I’d love to make it into a movie some day 😉
When you are being held in the arms of the one God chose for you, after (can I say this??) having sex in His “original design”, both of you crying because of the beauty of it all, after 20 years of marriage… is it worth the wait?
I can definitely answer you YES!!
Wow. This is such an encouragement @Barbie! And so so beautiful. THanks for sharing 🙂
I’m a teenager, I’m a virgin and I must say a big thank you for this article. its good to know there are still some sane christians in the world. May God richly increase your knowledge.. Amen!!
THanks @joi. So glad it was an encouragement! God Bless!
Mandy,
First, Thank you for the depth of your ministry. Not only do you personally live what you believe, but it deeply touched me to know you’ve taken your ministry to the women who need it the most, women suffering in the sex trade. From reading your responses (I’m following you now, and look forward to reading your other pieces) I know these women will be met with love and not condemnation, Thank you.
I am not Christian but I love Christ and I endeavor to follow the will of God, but God is very personal for me, He doesn’t fit easily into any religious box, that’s just me. I’m saying this as a way to preface something: I can whole heartedly agree with you, and come from a different belief, one that’s maybe kinda secular. You handle questions with grace and understanding, so in this paragraph I want to respond to some of the people who have replied to you. This isn’t just a Christian thing, this is very relevant even if you’re not Christian.
Also, I want to speak to the myth of exploring ones sexuality. It’s a myth, at least for me it was. So to everyone who is waiting, bless you, you’re doing what’s right for you. Don’t let people convince you otherwise, take some advice from someone who went down the road your critics want you to go, you’re on the right track, stick to your convictions.
The food example from above is a good one. One can travel the world and sample all the food to see what you like, but nothing compares to sharing a meal with someone with whom you are both sharing honor, respect, and cherishing. The simplest of meals, shared with love, is far more satisfying than a series of high spice adventures that leave you just hungry for more. Besides, as all your responders who waiting have attested, those first simple meals get spicier.
Finally, my friends have teased me that I’ve re-virginized myself. It’s too precious to waste anymore, I don’t regret my life. I am not broken, I am humbled. I’m sure when you’re ministering, you come across these men women’s sense of shame and feeling beyond redemption. Let me be a witness to the power of God’s redemption. They are not beyond his love and forgiveness, none of us are. it heartens me to know that you feel this. Even people who have chosen a promiscuous life and realize it’s was the wrong choice, the only thing worse than heading down the wrong road is taking one more step on it.
Thanks so much for sharing your story and perspective @dorothyemyers. Thanks also for your encouragement. I’m glad to hear that this is reaching others even of different faiths. Thank you.
Great article Mandy! Would love to keep in touch and use in some marketing material if thats ok!
Thanks @Que! Yeah for sure!
I loved every bit of this article, I, as a 26 year old now have constantly almost been falling in and out of the trap that “i need to lose my virginity before i reach a certain age”, i constantly forget who i really am, someone who believes in independent thinking and try my best to follow the right path, so i constantly need someone to pull me back into my circle before i drift too far out. I can say for certain, reading this has put me dead centre and increased the shrinking radius of my guard, yet i can only offer my thanks for the post =/. May God bless you
@Jay. Wow. Thanks so much for sharing. I am so glad to hear that this was such an encouragement to you. I wish you the best!
Beautiful writeup Mandy. Really very encouraging. Am 28 and still a virgin. I have had close calls in the past through wrong choices but I thank God for unmerited Graces. Have also heard people recount how they wish they could undo their sexual past. I really love your clarity, conviction and nonjudgemental responses.
Am really encouraged and thank you for the opportunity to get to know that virginity is still in vogue. This writeup is just what I needed. Know this my dear, you have touched one soul in a very special way. God bless you loads
Thanks so much @Anthony! I am so so glad to hear that this article was an encouragement to you. I’ll pray right now for continued strength for you. God bless you as well!
Reblogged this on lamidewilson.
Mandy, I wish I had heard somebody express those thoughts 40-50 years ago, when I was young enough to hear, understand and believe them. My life would have turned out differently, I am sure.
Thank you for speaking the truth with such clarity and strength. You are God’s woman and you bring Him much glory!
Thanks so much for the encouragement Alice. It means a ton!
Beautiful way of portraying the meaning of sex. Trust me it’s not just Christian faith, many other faith have the same concept about sexuality. It is for union of two individual, not for the sake of mere pleasure.
Most definitely. Thanks Dylan
Praise God for this amazing testimony and stance on such a powerful subject. It is inspiring to see those within my age range striving on the same path as I. As a man who made it through the hellish environment of college and professional football I can only say it was by God’s grace alone that I stood firm in my foundation. People need examples like yours to shake them out of apathy. They need to see the human reasoning behind it, beyond just theological reference. Continue to change lives. I stand with you.
Thanks so much Elon! It’s encouraging to hear that you have similar convictions and are sticking to them. God Bless!
Mandy, This article is excellent. Your perspective on sex is exactly what any single Christian (or, really, any single person at all) should have. As a 28-year-old guy who is also waiting for the right mate, it’s really encouraging to see this view being shared by women my age. I especially appreciate how you point out the beauty of sex *in its proper context of a lifelong marriage relationship.* I can’t tell you whether it’s within God’s will for you or I to ever be married, but I can tell you that if you do get married, your commitment to purity and a proper view of sexuality will be an enormous blessing to your husband. Even more, your commitment to serving God will be an enormous blessing to your husband.
Wow, thanks so much for the encouragement Ross! I am so glad to hear that you have similar convictions as well and are sticking to them. I wish you the best and thanks again!
You go girl! Very well said (written).
I too am still a virgin. By choice, and as a result of my commitment to Christ at the age of 12. That said, I have a few years on ya – I just turned 46 a few days ago.
In my late teens and early to mid 20’s I had numerous girlfriends that I engaged in quite heavy petting with. It wasn’t until I was 25 and just finishing up a two year ministry school, and also dating a beautiful Christian woman who was my age, that I realized even the heavy petting is dangerous. Not just because of the temptation it brings about, but because of what it does to our hearts, as well as to trust in a relationship.
My reasons for remaining a virgin are both similar and different than your own. One of those reasons is listed above. I can remember the heartache of breaking up with that woman, with whom I had fallen in love. The heavy petting had severely damaged the trust, but there was also a significant amount of Holy Spirit inspired conviction as well, and afterwards the Lord used it to teach me some amazing lessons about our spirits, hearts and minds where physical intimacy is concerned.
Another reason, as strange as this may sound, is because it is now a part of who I am; it’s a part of my relationship with Him; and it is and forever will be a part of my testimony.
I also believe that if I were to be intimately involved with someone I was not married to, I am potentially messing with another man’s future wife. Personally, I find that unacceptable.
Finally, scripture teaches that the body of a man belongs to his wife; and the body of a woman belongs to her husband. That means that my body is not my own. Not only does it belong to Him, but it already belongs to my future wife. What kind of love can I have for her right now if I don’t love her enough to wait for her to enter my life and become my wife?
As a final note, I’m a career firefighter and virtually all of my co-workers, all of my friends, and some of my acquaintances are aware of my virginity and stance on premarital sex. I don’t preach to anyone about abstinence, or condemn anyone that isn’t, but instead hope that they can see that they too have the ability to abstain if they should choose to.
Thanks for being so open and honest about your virginity, and your views on the power of sexual intimacy. I find them refreshing and encouraging!
Hey Doug! Thanks so much for writing in and sharing your story. It is powerful to hear and what an incredible testimony! Thanks for sharing your views as well. I most definitely agree. God Bless! 🙂
Finally, the truth, from a truly wise young lady, I wish your words could be heard by a lot more people, well said Mandy, well said.
Thanks so much @Marilyn! 🙂
33. Virgin. Only recently Christian (within the last 4 years). When I date I have to warn men that I won’t sleep with them. Many run away, but I do it because I know it’s an expectation of modern dating and Christian or not many men do expect to be intimate with me and I won’t be intimate with them so I try to make things clear up front.
For me I know immediately that they do not value me as a human when that discussion sends them screaming the other way. It sends the clear message that all they wanted from me WAS sex to begin with.
And I HAVE been ashamed of my virginity at times. Largely because people act like I’m SO strange, and sometimes they even act like there must be something wrong with me. I had one fellow assume I must have been raped (which… um… how could I be a virgin then?)
I chose to remain celibate outside marriage because of my upbringing. I was raised around women who had five-six children, all from different men and I thought it was just so sad. Abortion was and has never been acceptable to me and I always knew birth control wasn’t 100% effective so I made the decision at a young age to not engage in sex unless I was ready to bring children into the world and for me I would never consider children outside of wedlock (I think it’s so, so bad for children to have unmarried parents. Just all around – enough with broken families please).
Thank you for this article. It’s so encouraging to hear of others who are making this choice and who ‘get it’.
I’m two years late here… but just found you. 🙂
NB, thank you so much for sharing your story. It is an encouragement to hear. And I know it’s a constant battle in our day and age but it brings so much joy to the heart of God. I admire your strength and faithfulness in this… and it’s always an encouragement to hear from other women who have a similar story to mine. Thanks so much for sharing! And I wish you the best 🙂
Mandy